I have been fighting to get sober and free myself from the oppression of Cannabis addiction for 5 years. I am still struggling with dependency, the war against my Cannabis compulsion is still ongoing. I lost many battles and had a few victories. I tried different strategies, I got to know myself better, and I gradually got in a better position in this struggle.

This is the story of these past five years.

2020

At the beginning of the COVID pandemic, my Cannabis consumption reached dangerous levels. Smoking weed went from being a chronic, but benign problem, to something that could slowly wreck my life and relationships. Anxieties became more and more acute, and I was constantly sedated. My partner felt neglected, I was prioritizing getting high over being present with her. I owned three high-end vaporizers at the time. I was an expert at extracting the herb’s essence into my bloodstream, I would even occasionally consume concentrates, and eat strong edibles over the weekend.

At the peak of the problem, I consumed 1.5 grams of potent herb every day with my beloved vapes, I was clearly a heavy user.

I met with a trusted friend with a lot of personal and professional experience with addiction and mental health. I told him that I had to cut back, I asked him to keep me accountable, and that I would love to have his support. He told me he welcomed my decision to cut back, but that my journey would be very hard. He told me that despite my anxieties and mental problems, I was in better shape than many of the addicts he helped. I did meaningful work that gave me deep satisfaction, I was materially comfortable and content, I had great friendships, I was in a loving relationship, I had a relentlessly positive outlook on life. From the outside I had it all. Paradoxically this was a big problem: I was very far from rock bottom, I was the worst kind of addict: a high functioning one. This could keep going for decades. Despair is the most powerful force for recovery, and I was far from despair, I couldn’t rely on it. I was still largely in denial, I thought I could manage my addiction.

In 2020, I went from consuming 1.5 grams daily to 0.2 grams in 8 months. I reduced my consumption bit by bit, with occasional set-backs.

I got a small scale, a booklet and a pen; I put them in my weed stash. I would diligently weigh the herb before every session. I would cheat from time to time and get over my daily allowance, but I always weighed and wrote it down in the booklet.

The beginning was easy, I went from 1.5 gram to 0.5 gram in a month. All it took was staying sober a bit longer and breaking the weed fast with the smallest amount that would get me high. The highs were more satisfying, and my mood improved quickly. This was all positive with no downsides. I thought I would be free from Cannabis before the end of the year, I was wrong. Going from 0.5 gram to 0.2 gram took 6 months, and it was hard. This phase required a ton of willpower, I had body aches that grew starting at noon, I got restless and anxious over the afternoon. I kept looking at the clock, waiting to finally be free from pain after my first vaping session.

Overall I think cutting back for this long was poor strategy. I prolonged my agony, spreading the withdrawal over multiple months was counter productive. I am happy I did it, I learned a lot about myself, but I wished I moved on to the next step faster.

2021

My trusted friend flipped out on me at the beginning of the year. He told me that what I was doing wasn’t working: I was becoming a worse person during the day, and would turn into a happy idiot as soon as I got THC in my system. He insisted it was time for me to abstain, I had to go multiple days without weed. At first I resented him for being so direct, but I knew deep down he was right. He was a true friend, and friends don’t lie to friends.

I installed the app Loop Habit Tracker on my phone and started tracking ganja-free days with it. At first I managed to do a few days here in there, but I was inconsistent. One Saturday, after waking and baking out of sheer weakness of will, I felt a deep sense of self-loathing and despair. I couldn’t keep doing this, the problem was staring at me right in the face: my weed stash, all the equipment that I spent years curating and optimizing to make my Cannabis consumption a blissful experience. I threw all my precious paraphernalia into a trash bag, more than $1,000 worth of gear. I dumped the bag in the garbage compressor of my building and crushed it. Doing this felt ecstatic. My anger and guilt turned into joy for a brief moment. After that I stayed sober for 3 days, I relapsed with joints. Papers and lighters are cheap and easy to get. Joints were worse on my throat and lungs, but I decided it was worth the trade-off: I was consuming less Cannabis and I wouldn’t do this forever.

I was sober for a total 102 days in 2021. It was a good year, I learned I could be sober, I learned that life was harder sober, but ultimately it was the life I wanted.

2022

2022 was emotionally difficult, work wise. The start-up I worked at almost died; I was stressed, worked my ass off, and burned out during the summer, ultimately the company survived. I smoked more and more, to the point where my throat hurt and I had regular coughing fits. At the end of spring I bought a small vaporizer to mitigate the negative health effects of smoking.

While my addiction wasn’t out of control like it was in 2020, I slipped more and more, I lost faith in my ability to moderate and stay sober.

At the end of the year, I realized I would have to end my relationship with Cannabis. While ending things for good was always at the back of my mind, this became more and more visceral, but I wasn’t ready to do it.

I was sober for 66 days in 2022. A clear set-back from 2021, but I ended the year more resolute. I learned I couldn’t sacrifice my long term goals for work, I didn’t need more professional success, I needed to get my life back.

2023

Despite my new found resolution, it took me a long time to get my addiction under control. I went to therapy, but it didn’t help much. Even if therapy didn’t help, taking the decision to go was a clear sign I was getting serious about my mental issues. In April I read the book Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and it was a wake up call. I felt Raskolnikov — the main character of the novel - and I had much in common. This book was a revelation, although the real epiphany didn’t immediately happen.

In the spring I went on a two weeks trip to Europe, I visited Amsterdam for a week. I went to Amsterdam 15 years prior, and I found the city completely changed. When I first went there, the city was pleasant, relaxing, and charming. On my second trip it felt like hell on earth to me. The city had become a cheap party town for the worst kind of tourists, it was like a European Las Vegas. Trashy people everywhere, lots of folks high out of their mind. Something snapped when I was there, something dark and evil awoke in me. I couldn’t stand the crowd, the coffee shops where Cannabis was sold were disgusting to me. There were plenty of young folks smoking weed around the city, and every time I walked past them I felt an intense loathing, a vile hatred, a will to kill. This made no sense at the time, they were young carefree people vacationing in Amsterdam to have a good time, but just the sight of them having fun smoking pot revolted me, I felt intense repulsion and contempt, I felt like I had to hurt them to feel better, I felt that their very existence was an insult to all that was good in the world.

After the trip I realized I was projecting my guilt and self-loathing onto them. I didn’t hate the stoners in Amsterdam, I hated myself for being like them. For a brief moment in Amsterdam I was like Raskolnikov from the novel Crime and Punishment, I felt like him before he committed murder. I was full of rage and contempt for existence itself. My antipathy toward the human race felt like the only thing that was true at the time, everything else was a lie. I imagine that’s how many senseless killers feel: they dislike the world so intensely they set out to destroy it. I had to make drastic changes before my daemons took over and made me hurt someone or myself.

Once back home, I was determined to take a long break. The intense moments of darkness in Amsterdam allowed me to do just that. I was sober from weed for 81 days, more than a decade after I started using weed almost daily. I drank more alcohol during those 81 days. I got drunk for the first time since 2019... It was a fun night, but the hangover was much worse than the last time I got drunk.

I still couldn’t bear the thought of never using Cannabis again. I gave myself until early July before I could use again. At that point my sleep hadn’t normalized. Every other night I would only sleep four or five hours. I broke my fast with small doses of edible the first week-end and I slept much better after three months of poor quality sleep. A couple of weeks later I got some CBD joints, and gradually this got me back to smoking almost every day. This relapse was particularly depressing because at that point I knew I was capable of abstinence, but the lack of sleep was too much for me to handle.

At the end of the year I went on another trip, I threw out my herb, lighters, and papers when I left. I wanted start the new year with another period of freedom from weed. This time I knew I had to focus on sleep and avoid alcohol as much as possible.

At the end of 2023 I was sober for 122 days. A new record that I’ll hopefully exceed this year!

2024

I’m on a 42 days streak since December 15. Which means I’m at 27 days of sobriety for 2024 today.

I’m going to try beat my previous record. My sleep still isn’t great, and my mood is still variable. I’m focusing on my sleep, as I think it’s the key to freeing myself forever.

The war isn’t over, the fight continues.