I reflect on my addiction after reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.
I smoke, vape, or ingest Cannabis because of my desires to feel grounded, relaxed, at peace.
If happiness is the absence of desires, then cannabis cravings is a signal that I am unhappy with my predicament.
Cannabis doesn’t bring me peace, it numbs me, it sedates me, it gives me artificial feelings of calm that mask the battle happening inside me.
The reason I haven’t quit yet is because I don’t have a big enough “why”. I want to quit because I loath being dependent. I hate the side effects like the evening munchies, I sleep poorly most nights because I binge eat before going to bed. Cannabis prevents me from accomplishing my creative callings because it makes mindless distractions more appalling.
Unfortunately these reasons don’t stand a chance, because I love Cannabis. I feel like there’s always something better coming if I just take one more hit. I am emotionally tied to this substance. For me no Cannabis means no fun, and I love fun. I fall for Cannabis, every single time. No matter what the data says, no matter I see the negative consequences of my actions: I still love Cannabis more than I loath it.
Reading Atomic Habits made it clear to me that my problem wasn’t the how but the why. This book is full of good tips on how to get rid of bad habits, and unfortunately I tried most of those things and while they helped, it wasn’t enough to fully kick the habit. Atomic Habits won’t solve your addiction, but it will give you a great set of tools to get started.
Self control doesn’t work for me. Life exert too much pressure on me to not partake. I have a demanding job and even when I am not working I am constantly hustling to get more out of life.
To overcome my addiction I have to come to term with the darkness and light in me. I believe my addiction stems from the disconnect between who I am and how I act.
My expectations of bliss and peace drives my addiction to grass. When I’ll finally accept existence as it is I may be able to finally forsake the green little monster.
The only way out is a spiritual awakening.